So as I'm sure you've all surmised, I'm pretty sad. I left a lot behind in Alberta. I left some things, some places and people and experiences back there that I know for a fact I'll never be able to find, or replicate anywhere else. I miss them all terribly.
But one thing that this has all taught me, is how very blessed I was. And am, really. Not everyone gets to make the same kinds of friends I got to make, or experience the things I did. Not everyone gets to go to a church and be part of a parish that is so full of love and friendship. Not everyone gets to meet people who change their lives. I did. And I'm so blessed.
The friends I made at home are the forever kind. The kind you share the deepest beliefs with, who you share interests with, who you can talk to about everything with. The kind who go out of their way to show you how much they love you.
August and September were amazing months. Even though I couldn't help being sad, knowing that I was leaving, I still had some fantastic times.
My friends came from all over. We went on adventures, and sat around and chatted, and played ultimate frisbee in the dark, and drove out to fields to dance and look at stars, and went for late night frozen yogurt runs, and had ballroom dance parties in backyards, and went grad dress shopping at the mall, and went "grocery" shopping for picnics and last-minute parties, and went riding, and went for walks in the pitch black through the hills where I live, and hung out at McDonald's at 12:30 in the morning.
It was great, because no matter how many times I went out, or how many times I had people over, I didn't have to worry about someone doing something stupid and getting us into trouble. Sometimes we got a little loud, or sometimes one of the boys would drive a bit fast, but it was good, clean fun. And it was probably the best summer I've ever had.
I guess I'm sad because I know that I'm not going to make more friends like these. I'm sure I'll make friends at some point, but it won't be the same, and they won't be the same. But I'm also so happy, because I'm know I'm blessed.
I've been here almost a month now. Which is so strange to think about. Really, it feels like it was just a week ago that I hugged all my friends goodbye, and drove away from my home. Everything between then and now is kind of a blur of sadness, confusion, and apprehension. For two months I imagined what it would be like here.
It's nothing like I imagined, of course. And it's taking a lot of getting used to. For starters, it's lonely. We live in a tiny little "community," about 30 minutes out of Halifax. I rarely see people, and I haven't seen a single person my age here. There are some nice places to go for walks, but I find that when I walk, I think too much, and when I think too much, I become sad.
It's been hard, settling. Everything here still feels so strange and alien. It's not home, it doesn't feel like home. It feels wrong. I don't like it. And I know I should keep trying, and to let go and accept that this is where I am, and that I'm not going anywhere any time soon, but I can't. Not yet. I'm just not ready to let go.
my favorite view in the whole wide world.
Right now, I feel like I'm still clinging to the hope that somehow, something will happen and I'll go home. We'll all go home and this will all be like a bad dream. I know it's silly and it's not going to happen, and I know that, I do. I'm not expecting it to, either. It won't happen. It just won't. But right now, that hope is helping me keep my head up. I'm not ready to accept that this is even semi-permanent.
I'm scared and I'm sad and I really just want to go home.