LIFE: settling in.

I've been here almost a month now. Which is so strange to think about. Really, it feels like it was just a week ago that I hugged all my friends goodbye, and drove away from my home. Everything between then and now is kind of a blur of sadness, confusion, and apprehension. For two months I imagined what it would be like here.

It's nothing like I imagined, of course. And it's taking a lot of getting used to. For starters, it's lonely. We live in a tiny little "community," about 30 minutes out of Halifax. I rarely see people, and I haven't seen a single person my age here. There are some nice places to go for walks, but I find that when I walk, I think too much, and when I think too much, I become sad.

It's been hard, settling. Everything here still feels so strange and alien. It's not home, it doesn't feel like home. It feels wrong. I don't like it. And I know I should keep trying, and to let go and accept that this is where I am, and that I'm not going anywhere any time soon, but I can't. Not yet. I'm just not ready to let go.

my favorite view in the whole wide world.


Right now, I feel like I'm still clinging to the hope that somehow, something will happen and I'll go home. We'll all go home and this will all be like a bad dream. I know it's silly and it's not going to happen, and I know that, I do. I'm not expecting it to, either. It won't happen. It just won't. But right now, that hope is helping me keep my head up. I'm not ready to accept that this is even semi-permanent.

I'm scared and I'm sad and I really just want to go home.


Comments

  1. Keep holding on, Ivania! We're all praying for you and wanting you back, too. I'm sure you'll find some way to come back, and for now...go out and explore while you have the chance. ;)

    And here's some virtual cookies, hugs, cozy blanket, and whatnot. :)

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