Oh darlin', don't you ever grow up
Oh darlin', don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up, just stay this little.
Oh darlin', don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up, it could stay this simple.
~ Taylor Swift
Mariana turned four on Tuesday. Baby Septimus has two teeth, is able to sit up, and I fed him solid food for the first time today. Brother Number Four can read exceptionally well for his age. Brother Number Three is becoming more independent. The two oldest boys were Confirmed a few weeks ago.
Me? I'm halfway through teenhood. And it scares me. This all scares me. There was once a time when I thought that my siblings and I would stay little forever. We'd be playing in the sandbox, having snowball fights and wrestling in the basement forever. But those days are whirling by, if they haven't left already.
I don't want the children to get older. I want them to stay little, cuddleable, sweet and cute. I want to be able to run around the house with them, poke them, laugh at them and with them, giggle with them and talk random nonsense with them forever. I know that I'll be able to continue doing some of these things for a long time. But some of them, I'll have to drop and let go to make way for adulthood.
The two older boys are almost teenagers. They are starting to look like men, act like men, and talk like men. All this change makes me feel insecure, like my feet aren't planted firmly on the ground anymore. I think; if the days of being a small child went by so quickly, how soon until I'm an adult? Until I have to go out on my own, be my own person, all by myself?
Soon, the baby will be walking, talking reading, writing...and I'm not ready for that. Soon the boys will be off, getting jobs, doing their own thing. I like to tell myself that I want to be independent, but deep inside, I cling to the comfort and shelter of my home.
That...used to be me. Blunt, hyperactive, extremely curious and princess-wannabe. Back then, I didn't really have much to think or worry about. I had food to eat, a room to sleep in, and parents to cuddle. Those were the extent of my childish wishes.
These days, I feel like I have so much more to worry about. I need to get a job. what will I do in college? Do I want to go to University? What am I interested in studying? What do I want to BE when I grow up? I don't have the answer to any of these questions, and it worries me a bit. Not too much, I know I have time, but I feel like if I keep telling myself that, I'll end up at the end of my rope with no answers.
But I guess, in the end, I've got to enjoy what I've got while I've got it. Instead of wishing I was gone, and had my own life, I should sit and be happy that I don't really have to take care of myself. Not yet. I'll just play with my siblings, watch them grow, and be proud of them. Because really, that's all I can do. And it's enough.